New Year, New You!

I know what you’re thinking: not. another. 2017. post. So boring!

For some people, celebrating the new year symbolizes a chance to start over.If that’s not you, then congratulations! You’re perfect and never eat more than the recommended serving size. However, people like me that I know may have gained 30 pounds over the summer, or accidentally cut off a chunk of your own hair when trimming their clip-on bangs, or gone on an online shopping binge when drunk at home on New Year’s Eve.

Accidents happen, but there past is in the past. If you want a fresh start for the new year, follow my fool-proof tips to make 2017 the best one yet!


1. #KonMari your entire life.

Start with your closet but don’t stop there! Marie Kondo’s “less is more” approach was a big hit with celebrities and magazines in 2016. Follow her example: if something doesn’t bring you joy, get rid of it. Clear out your closet so thoroughly that you’re only left with a pair of jeans, two shirts, and enough underwear to last a week. Delete old friends from Facebook who don’t agree with your political views. Throw out old makeup, instantly realize that you will look terrible at your friend’s upcoming wedding without it, then spend $150 to replace your missing products at Target.

If you bought Marie Kondo’s book and managed to stop yourself from throwing that out while cleaning, strategically place it on your IKEA coffee table and take a picture for Instagram! #KonMari #NewYearNewMe #2017

2. Make that Vision Board!

If anyone tells you they aren’t effective, unfriend them from Facebook (see #1). The most important part of making your 2017 Vision Board is that you spend as much time as possible on it. If that means missing a few days of work, then so be it. This is an investment in your future! If your boss doesn’t understand this, make a note to include “FIND NEW JOB” along with your other manifestations.

The key elements to the perfect Vision Board are: a complementary color scheme (ideally incorporating some form of rose gold), including pictures of people you find attractive, making the pictures as symmetrical and aesthetically pleasing as possible (think of it as the bullet journal of cut-and-glue art projects), and make sure to have a photographer on hand to capture the journey!

3. Establish your brand.

One of the best methods to becoming a happier person is to establish a strong and enviable social media presence. In 2017, anything less than 100 likes on an Instagram picture means you basically don’t exist (as someone who consistently gets around 10 likes, I can vouch for this). So establish your brand!

Make a website and start a blog with a catchy title (I’ve found that alliteration, puns, and foreign words test well with target audiences).

Spend every friend’s wedding taking pictures for your Instagram and Snapchat story.

Make a Myspace account, then post a screenshot of it on Facebook and call yourself “#retro.”

Engage with any celebrity who has a verified Twitter account. 140 characters aren’t much, but they’re all you’ll need to get involved in some sort of scandal and get #(YourNameHere)sucks trending. When that happens, update all social media bios to read:

“Noticed by @(CelebrityName) in 2017!”